I Honestly Don't Know What Else To Do

For the last few days,

i have felt absolutely useless.

You've been constantly angry,

and every single time i tried to cheer you up,

the result was a pathetic argument that had nothing to do with the situation.

The thought that was once in the back of my mind,

has no become visibly clear to me.

All i ever seem to do,

is make you ten times angrier,

which sure as hell doesn't help you.

So this is my next approach.

Space. Time. Distance.

You probably don't understand it,

but if you look back to how you've reacted to me,

when i try and get close,

maybe you'll see reason.

I don't see the point in bringing us both down,

so i'm backing off and letting you breathe.

I honestly don't know what else to do.

Can't You Just Come Back?

I want you back.

I want you breathing the air i breathe.

I want you living the life i lead.

I want you back.

Please.

Can't you just come back?

Time To Grow Up A Bit.

i thought you'd be over this shit.

It's been, how long now?

You're not over me.

I know it.

Otherwise you wouldn't be prank calling me.

Time to grow up a bit.

The D-A-D in "Dead"

I've been empty on the inside.

Only thinking in weights and measures and biased opinion.

The highest that i've been,

sickly and dying.

You denied your assignment,

your child now a "has been".

You could have been a friend.

No, you could have been a husband to the women you used and lied to.

I tried to be you.

I despised you.

I cried for you.

I held it all inside for you.

I nearly fucking died for you.

Didn't want to be denied.

I'll slide with myself this time.

My pride,

no more a fleeting issue.

When i said that i missed you,

i lied,

i never knew you.

Your face in mine,

a grown man.

You knew my face like the back of your hand.

My face only knew demands.

My face only knew your hands.

At attention sir,

i'll call you sir.

That's your name right?

I concur.

You're not a man,

you're a coward.

Your own child...

you're empowered.

You raise your hand and i'd cower.

I've been robbed,

deflowered of a youth.

I swear i'll never be like you.

I'd rather die then be like you.

Were passed the time goodbye is due.

I'd rather die then be like you,

i'd rather fucking die.

You never wanted me; a son diseased; inferior.

Your "perfect" genes.

But all along this came from you.

You're flawed too,

through and through.

I never really could recite all the right words in order,

to express myself towards seeing you,

and greeting you,

and being you.

Through meaningless sex and abuse on myself,

and my health never meant anything but hell.

I denied my "wealth" in life of being alive,

and seeing that side of myself;

a part of me died.

But you were to blame

My reason.

My teacher.

My model.

My guide.

My shame.

My pain.

I've cried too many times nights over series of cynical lullabies.

I've improvised and devised a plan to summarize your lies.

And ties are out now cos compromise,

is out of the question...

goodbye.

So father that i'm rid of,

oh, where do you go hiding love?

and aren't you quite neglectful of your son who never had enough.

I never really had enough.

I never had enough.

You taught me how to use,

and you taught me to abuse.

I refuse.

Well i refuse to be a cold hearted fuck like you.

Well pick and choose.

You'll always lose, sir.

No. 1 son better then 2.

Deny me, oh my father.

I've been refused.

I'll always be defective to you...

She Deserved A Life.

I hate you.

You don't have the slightest clue,

about what you've done to break this precious heart.

But in all honesty,

i don't think that matters to you.

However we feel,

you don't really care.

I just wish you were sorry,

and i hope you loose everything.

Fuck what you say,

and fuck what you believe.

She deserved a life.

I Would Have Invited Her To That.

If i was to know,

that she would be in the hospital six days later,

i would have invited her to that.

iloveyou.

So i opened the letter

and the only thing i regret,

is not opening it sooner.

:]

i was invited to something that has changed the way i look at things.

That wasn't the aim of it,

actually,

the day had nothing to do with me.

"Even if i live to be... one hundred and seventy four,

this will be the best movie ever!"

-Melissa Dawson

She loved Transformers.

She practically forced me to rent it out.

She never got to watch it with me,

and never will.

Melissa Alexis Imogen Dawson,

iloveyou.

Till You Show Me How It Could Be

"I can't remember the time or place,

or what you were wearing.

It's unclear about how we met.

All i know it was the best conversation that i've ever had.

To this day i never found someone,

with eyes as wide as yours.

The sky will never look the same again,

till you show me how it could be."

-New Found Glory

How Is That Possible?

Seems like i'm loosing more friends then i actually have.

How is that possible?

Six Days Earlier.

You know you're doing something wrong,

when your friend lies to you,

just so she doesn't have to hang out with you,

even though you made plans,

six days earlier :/

These Are Ten Things That Make Me Laugh.

1, Stupidity of others.

2, Unnecessary comments.

3, Impersonations.

4, Little kids that think they're tough.

5, Watching food explode (without sound)

6, Mitchell Davis

7, When hot people wear ugly shoes.

8, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMkiFaVh3AU

9, Smart parrots.

10, When people say do do.

These are ten things that make me laugh.

We'll Talk Again :]

I'm glad we had that talk last night.

Now you know why i've been feeling how i have,

and how i really think.

And although i know that you can't truly see the world how i do

I feel relieved that i no longer have to pretend.

Even though it would be the easy option.

You're not even a close friend of mine,

and you managed to get me to open up.

If only the people i love actually wanted to know about me.

When you told me that you Google'd that stuff,

to try to understand my point of view,

just made me feel like someone actually cared.

Hopefully,

we'll talk again. :]

I'll Make Sure It Stays That Way

He won't give up looking for me,

even though he knows i was never looking for him in the first place.

The fact that i don't want to see him,

hurts.

But never seeing me again,

would overrule that pain by miles.

I'll make sure it stays that way.

I've Been Completely Incomplete

You left three lots of people in the mess you created the day she stopped breathing.

Her friends,

her family,

and myself.

You left us in the rubble to feel the pain.

Mum took it in her stride to try and protect me,

she tried her hardest to keep me from falling.

But it got to be to much,

for all of us.

I could not longer be around you.

I couldn't even look at either your house,

without feeling this hate for you.

I'm yet to go down that street again.

I'm yet to step foot back into that video shop.

I'm yet to buy that same type of biscuits.

I can't bring myself to do any of that,

even thinking about anything to do with her,

makes me miss her that much more.

And to tbqh,

ever since that night..

i've been completely incomplete.

Whatta Life..

What's worse..?

The fact that everyone hates me,

or i hate everyone?

Whatta Life..

Until The Daylight Breaks

Sometimes,

i just want to sit down,

with a nice cup of tea with someone.

And talk about uninteresting things,

until the daylight breaks.

11:11

i wish she was still breathing.

Replace It With A Safe Shell

"Oh Penelope,

Are you filled with air?

Swallowed oxygen?

That makes you float up?

Is it dropsy?

Will your lungs swell?

It’s depressing me,

To see you struggle.

I’m treading water with my oars,

Glass galeons anchored, oceans floors.

I’m diving down with all my gear,

In search of treasure, para mi corazon.

Take you to the forest,

Let you feel the raindrops falling down,

Seeping through your redscales.

Eliminate the faucet,

Eliminate the need for water,

Replace it with a safe shell."

Drama..

..it's a fucking bitch!

Mean Absolutely Nothing

Anger.

Paranoia.

Doubt.

Insecurity.

Panic.

These five characteristics mold my personality into what it is.

This is me.

It's a negative view on myself.

Though in my eyes,

it's the only possible and logical way to judge me.

Though these five words are obvious from a glance,

she would have stayed by my side.

She made those five words,

mean absolutely nothing.

The Truth Will Come Out.

Not only are you lying to me,

your parents,

your friends,

and your girlfriend,

but you're lying to yourself.

You say you're not what you truly are.

I know you are,

your parents have their suspicions,

you're friends can see through it,

and you're girlfriend prays that you're not.

But yet you continue with this idiotic game.

No, not game.. lie, more like it.

One day,

the truth will come out.

No More..Me?

Perhaps it isn't her that starts fights.

Maybe it isn't him that causes completely awkwardness between us.

I have come to the conclusion that it's me.

Time to change.

No more lying.

No more cheating.

No more over exaggerating.

No more drama.

No more yelling.

No more swearing.

No more fighting.

No more drugs.

No more smoking.

No more alcohol.

No more sleeping around.

No more bullying.

No more cutting people out.

No more..me?

Do I Read It?

This letter may be the most important thing i have ever read in my life.

This letter may be a complete waste of time.

This letter may be the cause of a whole new breakdown for me.

This letter may be the thing that brings me out of my terrible state.

Do i read it?

What I Thought Was Hope.

When i see you,

my stomach is still going to tie itself into a knot

and my eyes are going to search around the streets for something less pain to rest upon.

Being near you is still going to be hard

and forgiving you is going to be even harder.

You're probably not used to being turned down,

but i don't see how saying sorry,

is going to excuse the fact that you completely destroyed,

what i thought was hope.

I Am The One Responsible For Heartbreak

Why am i saying sorry to you?

I mean, sure, i'm suppose to, after the hell i have caused.

It's my job to apologize, i know this.

But at the same time, i shouldn't be wasting my time.

And although i promised to own up to what i did,

i also promised i wouldn't go back to her.

I also promised i wouldn't hurt you.

And yet,

i am the one responsible for heartbreak.

I Don't Think It's Even Possible.

Today we had to write about our best friend.

Who they are,

What makes them who they are,

their likes,

their dislikes,

and one thing that they have done that made us smile.

I sat there and all i could think of was you and your bright eyes.

I wrote your name and everything you were.

Honest, loving, compassionate, trustworthy.

I wrote that you used to like the rain and long car rides.

I wrote that you used to dislike the tomatoes and the dark.

It took me awhile to think of something in particular you did you make me smile,

because you did so much.

I feel almost insane for still calling you my best friend.

Even though you died years ago.

But i guess i'd rather do that,

then try to replace you.

As a matter of fact,

i don't think it's even possible.

We'd Be In Love.

"If you were a mountain i'd climb you, because i like climbing things. I'm not calling you fat, because everyone knows mountains are big. You'd just be a little mountain. But you'd still be as pretty and fun as any other mountain. I'd climb you all day, every day, and i'd never get bored. Ever."

-Melissa Dawson

She was six.

I was seven.

Who knew that in a few years,

we'd be in love.

I Thought You Were Different.

You're going around telling people that,

you don't even care.

You're brushing this off your shoulder like a speck of dust,

like nothing.

It makes me sick to my stomach to think i wasted so much time and effort on you,

and all i get is empty lies.

You really are the most ignorant,

selfish person i have ever come across.

I thought you were different.

One Of The Best Days Of My Life.

i may have been upset at that point

but that was actually

one of the best days of my life.

:D

I know you think this is cute.

That's one reason why i like you.

:D

The Monty Hall Paradox

Situation;

Suppose you're on a game show,

you're given the choice of picking one of three doors.

Behind one, is a brand new car

and the others are goats.

You pick a door, and the host

(who knows what's behind the doors)

opens another door revealing a goat.

You then get the choice to switch the door you have chosen

with the unopened door.

is it to your advantage to switch doors?

or stay with the door you have?

Most people assume that each of these doors has an equal probability

and conclude that switching does not matter.

In fact, in the usual interpretation of the problem the player should switch.

This doubles the probability of winning the car, from 1/3 to 2/3.

Fact;

When the above statement of the problem and the solution appeared in Parade Magazine,

approximately 10,000 readers, including nearly 1,000 with PhDs,

wrote to the magazine claiming the published solution was wrong.

that fact makes me laugh

xD

I Still Have Alot To Learn

I have learned that no matter what happens

or how bad it seems today,

life does go on

and it will be better tomorrow.

I have learned that you can tell alot about a person by the way he or she handles these three things;

a rainy day

lost luggage

and tangled Christmas lights.

I have learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,

you will miss them when they're gone from your life.

I have learned that making a "living" is not the same as making a "life."

I have learned that life sometimes gives some people a second chance

others, only one.

I have learned that even when i have problems,

i don't have to be one.

I have learned that everyday you should reach out and touch someone.

People love a warm hug

or just a friendly pat on the back.

I have learned that people will forget what you said

people will forget what you did

but people don't forget how you made them feel.

I have learned that

i still have alot to learn

Coincidence?

Dream number two:

I'm sitting under the same tree, with the same guitar, in the same field. There isn't a cloud in the sky and the slight breeze is still perfect. The only difference is that she is next to me, with a tambourine (she always wanted a tambourine), except our instruments can't make any noise. She starts to panic as the leaves fall off the tree and the grass starts to die. This then makes me panic. I hear the screeching of car breaks and boom!

i'm across the road of her house, holding a letter.

I wake up.

Today, i got a letter in the mail from her mother.

Coincidence?

All Within Thirty Minutes

Isn't it strange,

how you can feel like giving up on life itself,

and loving every moment of it,

all within thirty minutes?

:D

Have Fun, Princess

For the first time in years,

i had a dream that involved her.

I remember it so vividly.

This is it:

The moment is perfect. I'm playing acoustic guitar under a big tree in the middle of a feild of tall grass. There isn't a cloud in the sky, and there is a slight breeze every now and again spaced perfectly to cool me down to just the right temperature. It's the time of day when it's transitioning between aternoon and evening and it means soon its going to be sunset and i can tell its going to be a clear starry night. I hear rustling in the tree above. I look up and see a dark shadow. But i'm not scared. I know in the back of my mind who it is. But can't seem to spit out the name. All of a sudden, its dark. My guitar turns into the shadow and i'm left sitting there, cold, holding a girl. I start to sink. The shadow turns to dust. But i'm still not scared. Because somehow i'm talking to her. She says that things will be fine. This i believe.

I wake up outside my dads house, behind the back shed where i used to hide as a kid. There's a bird cage there, which is strange because irl, a bird cage would not fit behind the shed. Inside the cage is a old fashioned telephone. I star, it rings, i answer, i'm still not afraid. I hear a faint "hello?" Now, i'm scared. My heart starts racing. Choking back tears. Struggling to breathe. I know it's him. I can't work out why it's so hard to reply. With a simple three words, "i miss you", he managed to explain his heart.

Then she was back. With her arms wrapped right around me, stroked my back several times before finally letting me go. She gave a weak smile, which i knew was a lie, one that she did not own. Usually her perfect teeth would be showing, and those adorable lines at the corners of her lips would appear. This time her lips were shut tight, i didn't even get a glimpse of those adorable smile lines. And when she turned to walk away, all i could do was mutter "have fun, princess."

That's The Last Thing I Plan To Do

I wish i could tell you,

express to you,

explain to you the thoughts that rampage through my mind.

But sometimes,

i know even if could,

it would scare you away,

push you further from my grasp and darling,

that's the last thing i plan to do.

How can you tell..?

How do you prove that someone actually cares?

They may say they do,

but is it actually true?

How can you tell..?